Despite the idyllic photo you see here, I never really planned on having children. I wasn’t actively against the notion but it just wasn’t on my radar for most of my life. I never considered myself the maternal sort, and though I always thought it might be fun to have a hypothetical child down the line, ‘the line’ had no foreseeable mile markers for that sort of thing. When people asked if I wanted a family when I started edging into my late twenties, I simply responded with: “We’ll see. As of right now, it’ll be one or none.”
When I turned twenty-eight I moved from Seattle to Portland and almost immediately met my future husband. My husband was meant to be a father. I knew that very, very early in the relationship. I also knew very, very early in the relationship that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. I’ll never forget the talk we had about kids. He’s always wanted two, and that number remains on the table as a possibility though I find the subject of siblings mildly terrifying (being an only child myself). The reservations I had about motherhood melted as we discussed our lives going forward. I knew this was a man who would be there for me and our children. He was the sort who would get up at night if I asked him to, or take the baby if I needed to sneak a nap or a shower.
All that being said, we started with a cliche. We got a dog. Now, my reservations about motherhood were reserved solely for babies of the human variety. Puppies? I knew since day one that I was going to be a dog mom. I took to it almost too enthusiastically. Before long, my beautiful little mutt not only took up all the memory on my phone with his photos, but he had his very own Instagram account with way, Way, Waaaaaaay more followers than me.
I didn’t think it was possible that I could love anything more than I loved Marmot. And no, my husband doesn’t count, we’re talking strictly dependents here. But next thing you know, I’m pregnant. Thirty-eight weeks later here comes little bear. He was perfect, and he was scrunchy, and he had this one eye open thing that made him look like an angry little pirate. I felt high as a kite. Best drug in the world, the first time you see a tiny human that you made. YOU MADE IT INSIDE YOUR BODY.
I remember someone asking me when I was pregnant: “what did you do today?” to which, I said: “I made a nose. My body made a nose today. What did YOU do today?”
Anyway, the love for Marmot hasn’t diminished, but the love for little bear is incomparable to anything that came before it. I’m a mom, and as reluctant a phrase that would have been for me five years ago… it’s a privilege to say it now. I’m little bear’s mom, and that’s pretty damn awesome.